he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's never too late to be topless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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