I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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