She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
