Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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