not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
