Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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