so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
