he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
