Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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