Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He shit in the fireplace
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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