and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
