oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
