my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
