When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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