I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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