I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
