Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
