She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
