hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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