he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
