I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Shame is for Republicans.
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