so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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