Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
