I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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