Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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