My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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