Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
