why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
