before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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