You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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