I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
