my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
