I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
