somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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