i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
