home. puking in laundry basket.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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