Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
