i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize