sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
