She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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