Betty ford says i'm here all night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
