she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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