I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
