How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize