Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
