I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
