Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Welp...herpes.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
