I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
