We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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