god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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