We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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