dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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