if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
