i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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