so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
