I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
