actually, I'm a sock model
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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