I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
