I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
