Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
